My Baby

A Granddaughter

A Granddaughter is so special
She will fill your life with love
Like a rainbow made with sunshine
When rain falls from above
Precious memories she will give you
Many heartaches and some tears
She's a treasure that is priceless
That will last you all your years

The Pit 10.02.09

I thought of a butterfly the whole time and how much I was missing her

A Poem I Really Love

Life in Five Short Chapters

CHAPTER 1

I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
And I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

CHAPTER 3

I walk down the same street and there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, and still I fall in.
It's a habit.
But my eyes are open and I know where I am.
It is my fault and I get out immediately.

CHAPTER 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

CHAPTER 5

I walk down a different street.

By Portia Nelson

Mi Madre Con La Madrecita

Grandmimi with Nayeli

A great-grandfather's thoughts

Nayeli's Great-grandfather speaking his mind (in spanish).

Quote of the Week

Quote of the Week

No one can lose anyone, because no one owns anyone.

Posted using ShareThis

4 Weeks of Bliss

4 weeks of joy
4 weeks of awe
4 weeks of pride
4 weeks of gratitude
4 weeks of being humbled
4 weeks of appreciation
4 weeks of bliss
4 weeks of love
4 weeks of you

I love you Nayeli
Grandpappy

You Knew It Was A Snake

3 Weeks

So today is 3 weeks and I have fallen more and more in love with you every day. I take care of you for 2 hours every day and they are the most peaceful 2 hours of the day for me. When you lay on my chest and look up at me with your pretty little eyes, it fills me with joy and serenity. You make me want to live and be a better man, and you make me dream about a better future for all of us. You are the miracle that I needed in my life, the tangible evidence that God loves me.

Two Weeks

Today is two weeks that you have been with us and I wrote you a poem:

Nayeli

You came in,
like a fresh summer breeze,
a quiet murmur,
a soft touch to the skin.
Sweet relief
from my long and dreary
hot summer days.
You cooled my heat and calmed my breath.
You soothed my soul
and replenished the depleted reserves
of my spirit.
You made me want to see another day,
another sun rise,
another moon in the sky,
and I will always,
always,
love you for that.

The Skies That Lie

Everything breaks, but there is no noise
The world shatters in silence once again
And we are tools, flesh created toys
We are puppets, all part of the plan

Who created emotions? Love or pain
What should I believe is true?
The feeling of a kiss in the rain
Or the feeling when your life is through

Nothing lasts forever
But few things can wait
Because you still didn't say never
And I feel it's my own fate

I close my eyes to the open skies
Wishing them to guide me through
Now they only whisper lies
Which will never lead me to you

Everything breaks, but I can't hear it
The world stands still once more
Those hard emotions will always be there
Hiding what the future might have in store

Under those heavy clouds I stay awake
Waiting for tomorrow to cover my eyes
As everything's getting blurry
Once again, under those lying skies

The Current of Life

Have you ever been swimming at the beach, and while you’re swimming back toward the shore, you’re hit with one of the waves; then all of a sudden, it seems like the more you swim towards the shore, the farther you’re pulled out to sea? When this happens, it means you have been caught in a current. The water is moving in one direction, and no matter how hard you swim, the flow of the water is going to pull you backwards. If you are able to recognize you’re caught in a current, this means your mind has recognized you’re in danger. You react by swimming in another direction out of the current, and than back to shore. If you’re unable to recognize you’re caught in a current, you will continue to swim against the current until your body becomes exhausted and you’ll panic, then eventually drown.

There is one other way to make it back to shore, and I’ll explain it later. First, let me say this: the same is true of life. The current is the gangs, the drugs and the crime, and these things will pull you in farther and farther. If you are able to recognize you are being pulled down a path headed to prison or death, you will change directions and head for school, college, and eventually a career. Otherwise you’ll be pulled in so deep that you’ll panic and drown - like me and the rest of the people who weren’t able to recognize we were caught up in that negative current!

The only other way to make it to shore if you’re in the middle of the ocean is for someone to throw us a lifejacket to save our life (from prison, gangs and drugs, etc.) before we have the chance to really live… Catch! This is Jose and I just threw you a lifejacket, and this is me pulling you in. Take care people, and always remember - think positive. Positive thoughts attract positive people. Positive people attract positive events and outcomes.

What The Eyes Can't See

If you think you know me -
You don’t.
If you believe I am only what your eyes see,
You are not looking deeper into mine.

My color and shape
Are only reflections of blood and some borrowed DNA
Of those who brought me here.

In here also lives something
More obscure and complex
Than just this accused and guilty body of flesh.

It is an eternal fire…
Passed down by the very beginnings of all generations.
It can’t be seen or heard by eyes
Formed out of looking only at the shelter of this light.

I am not going to explain why
I have this moment with you.
I will only say,
“I am your brother.”

I am not what you see while speaking in my own voice.
I am what you feel in that single moment
When you finally open your eyes.

So please hear me well
And we will speak again.

2 a.m.

I came into the room you share with your mommy and your Tia Josie and I found your mommy feeding you with the most tired look on her face, but with most profound look of love in her eyes as she stared at you...

Making A Wish

Making a wish at the Korean Bell in San Pedro, California
by the way, the wish did come true...

An Epiphany

Things change.
Everything that was
no longer is.
Different ideals
form new actions.
Who am I?
Who are you?
I ask ---
no answer
just a gust of wind
sweeping my pleas away ---
We are living in a bizarre dream,
a misperception of what it means to be.
What do we really know
about being warriors
dying for a righteous cause?
To who do I owe my loyalty to?
To the sleep-walkers
whose actions are only mechanical
and without feeling or thought .
. . or to my homeboys
if any, at all exist . . .?
I hear many theories
on how life should be
and what some of us
should do with ourselves;
but what should I do ---
sit around and wait for others
to decide my fate?
And maybe catch another ten, or fifty
more years . . . better yet, that
life sentence the Judge reserved for
a later time
will be finally mine.
Each day the battle
to keep my sanity
amidst this madness continues . . .
Once, or twice
I’ve wanted to give up
to throw my hands up
and surrender to the worst part of me. I’m sick and tired
of being clueless
in my own life.
I need a reason to continue
not a mysterious gain
for the good in me
I’m trying to recuperate.
Once again
I am pestered by ideals
not of my own
founded to fight a cause
which up to this moment
I don’t have a clue
of what exactly
it is supposed to be about . . .

Get Over It

How can I get over not

seeing his eyes?

Not hearing his laugh,

ever again?

Get over the smile

that gave me

a reason for

living?

The child that

taught me to

be a man?

The child that

held my

heart

in

the

palm

of

his

hand?

Never....

Scared

I am driven,
motivated,
inspired,
often crippled, by fear.
Failure is an option
and success is scripted.
If I fail at this life,
it will be said:
“I always knew he would
turn out like that.”
Should I succeed,
it will be said
“I always knew he could do it.”
so I’m afraid,
the double standards,
double talk,
and hypocrisy that govern us,
stalk me like a shadow in an alley.
How I felt has never mattered,
only what others think.
I carry around the pain
like so many nickels and dimes,
while others poke fun
at my insecurities.
And why not? I’m afraid.
afraid to fail
afraid to succeed,
afraid to be the man,
whoever he is!

The Fog of Life

Completely lost,
in a cloud of guilt
and grief,
walking among the living
but living among the dead.
Completely lost in sadness
and engulfed by despair,
at the end of my rope,
too much weight to bear,
does life even care?

Thoughts 1

life is like a dream,

when i am gone it will be like i am waking up,

and i will become like a dream to you,

i will fade and become blurry like an old dream you had....

i only hope that i am like one of those dreams that you want to keep having over and over again...

Sleep

A poem in the style of my ancestors...


OH LORD OF THE DAY AND NIGHT,

LET ME SLEEP, FOR I AM TIRED,

I AM WEARY OF LIFE AND THE SUFFERING,

MY SONGS ARE FULL OF MELANCHOLY,

AND MY HEART IS FULL OF SORROW...

OH LORD OF THE DAY AND NIGHT,

TAKE ME TO YOUR LAND OF DREAMS,

MY EYES ARE HEAVY WITH TEARS,

LET ME SHED THEM UPON YOUR SHOULDER...

WHEN WILL THE NOBLE PRINCES STOP SMASHING EACH OTHER, SHATTERING EACH OTHER LIKE OBSIDIAN ON THE BATTLEFIELD?

WHEN WILL THE LORDS OF THE LAND SHOW MERCY UPON THE PEOPLE?

OH LORD OF THE DAY NIGHT,

MY SOUL YEARNS TO BE FREE,

LET ME REST, LET ME SLEEP....

I Have Died

I HAVE DIED FOR A WHILE,

PUT AWAY IN A LITTLE BOX FOR A WHILE,

I MISS THE SUNLIGHT ON MY SKIN INSIDE THIS TOMB,

PEOPLE COME VISIT ME ONCE IN A WHILE....

LIKE A GHOST, I WATCH LIFE GO ON WITHOUT ME,

LIKE A GHOST, I HAUNT PEOPLE IN THEIR DREAMS, IN THEIR HEARTS,

LIKE A GHOST, I HAVE DIED FOR A WHILE...

AND THEY HAVE BURIED ME INSIDE THIS CELL.

I Miss You So

Tears fall from my eyes
As a bird soars up above
Free it flies, free it dies,
So unlike my love…

You caught my love
And never let it go,
Now you've gone ,
And I miss you so…

Sweet child of mine
You'll never know,
Just how much
I miss you so.

You Don't Want To Know Me

YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW SOMEBODY LIKE ME

SMOOTH TALK, SMOOTH STYLE, A SMOOTH CRIMINAL...

DRIFTING IN AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE,

LIKE A COLD WINTER WIND...

AS COMFORTABLE IN A PRISON CELL

AS IN A 5-STAR HOTEL.

SO LISTEN AND LISTEN WELL,

TO THE TALE THAT I AM HERE TO TELL...

STONE COLD GANGSTER AND I CRAVE THE STREETS,

I WORK, I HUSTLE, IM ALWAYS ON THE GRIND,

I HAVE TO ADMIT IVE DONE SOME THINGS YOU COULD SAY ARE UNKIND.

WOMEN AND DRUGS, MONEY AND POWER,

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL I KEPT THE MOST DELICATE FLOWER...

YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW SOMEBODY LIKE ME,

ILL TELL YOU LIES AND MAKE YOU CRY

AND MAKE YOU WISH THAT YOU WOULD DIE

YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW SOMEBODY LIKE ME,

ILL BE GONE FOR DAYS THEN MONTHS, THEN YEARS,

AND IN THE END ALL YOU WILL HAVE ARE YOUR TEARS.

YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW SOMEBODY LIKE ME,

YOU DONT WANT TO LOVE SOMEBODY LIKE ME.

Colorblind

Blinded, by the atrocities

that DO happen here,

in the ghetto where I live,

Deafened by the sound of AK's

and nines,

Such as the one that

silenced my baby

on that August night.....

Chosen for the beautiful

brown color of his skin...

so should I hate every

single African-American

that walks past?

Or should I embrace

my best friend,

who is as dark as the

obsidian that my

ancestors DID worship?

I choose to embrace....

I choose to not hate....

I choose to love

and be colorblind.

Colorblind

Blinded, by the atrocities

that DO happen here,

in the ghetto where I live,

Deafened by the sound of AK's

and nines,

Such as the one that

silenced my baby

on that August night.....

Chosen for the beautiful

brown color of his skin...

so should I hate every

single African-American

that walks past?

Or should I embrace

my best friend,

who is as dark as the

obsidian that my

ancestors DID worship?

I choose to embrace....

I choose to not hate....

I choose to love

and be colorblind.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

This is aimed at the minds of people who feel like they never had a chance because of where they grew up and who they grew up around - the ones who live in the hood and whose minds feel, “The hood is all I know,” the ones who feel that because of your race or gender you are being held back. This is aimed at the people whose minds believe that if they pray things will change - magically. This is for you.

I’m here to tell you right now that we live in a world where actions speak louder than words. If you say you would like to change the route you’re currently on, you’ll never change! If you say you would love to be a lawyer, doctor, or have any other career, you can say what you want all day until you’re blue in the face. Nothing will change in your life until you put forth the actions.

We live in a world where actions mean everything. I don’t care what country you live in, actions are the solution to success or to failure. This is true no matter what you believe or been lead to believe, and I’ll tell you why. The cycle has already been built for people who live in countries like the United States. I’ll explain: although you may not see this, but the overall mind state of the country is “positive.” What I mean by that is that in this country people will help you when you need help… people will help you when you don’t need help. This may not happen as much in the hood (neighborhood), but it happens. Your job is to put yourself in the position to receive the help, so that one day you can continue the cycle that has been built. The way you position yourself is simple: you go to school. The cycle is in full effect there. Not only do you just show up for the sake of showing up, you put forth some action. Your actions should show that you are willing to be taught what is needed to survive in this country or countries like the United States.

I am fully aware that these days schools have become a fashion show and people in general (mainly young people) care about how they look, which becomes a major distraction when in the process of positioning yourself to be a part of the cycle. This is where young people become attracted to drugs. Drugs in the neighborhood is a way to make fast money. Once money becomes involved, it’s almost impossible to tell the young person anything. They begin to practice the “law of actions” in a different way.

This way is by force, with guns. These actions are no good for countries like the United States. It is impossible to be able to buy the amount of guns one would need to continue living a life of force by guns. My point is that sooner or later you will lose by way of prison or death, and that is the truth. And if you go to prison, you will have passed up the years of being young without collecting the full education which is the true key to success in countries like the United States.

Right now, if you are between the ages of 13 years old and 17 years of age, you have the chance. If you have children or brothers/sisters between these ages, you have the chance. This is bigger than being tuff, because I was tuff. This is bigger than being down for the hood, because I was down for the hood. This is bigger than worrying about what to wear to school. This is as big as life itself!

I encourage you to take action. Go to school and learn. Finish school and go to college. Walk away from what you might believe is right in these neighborhoods. I encourage you to do this now, while you have the chance to. If you feel that staying true or down for the hood is considered “keeping it real,” well it’s not! It’s actually real stupid.

I grew up in California in the Long Beach area. I was once a well known member of one of the biggest gangs in that area. There is nothing about the hood life I don’t know. This is why I have dedicated my time to warn as many people as I can about the so-called lifestyle referred to as “The Game.” I understand how hard it may be to trust me, because I can remember when I was in my teenage years, I heard an ex-gang member speak similar to how I am speaking now. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t wanna hear him, but to this day, I can’t get past the fact that he was right.

People are already in positions to ensure your success in this country. You just have to be there. We live in a country where good things happen to us no matter what at one time or another. Even if nothing good has happened to you yet, keep living - something will. This is because of the overall cycle which is in motion. There’s a cycle in motion within the hood, but its outcome is death or poison and, at the very least, sprang out of drugs. This is no way to live when we have the opportunity to become anything we want to. I encourage you young people, don’t get caught up in worrying about what to wear to school, if it looks nice or not. Don’t get caught up in not having the latest shoes, because I promise you this, it will be plenty of time for that once you have finished school and have the career you wanted. I encourage you to join the majority and be part of the solution and not the problem.

This is a country where actions speak louder than words.

One Week With You

So it has been one week with you in my life and I have some things to tell you:


You have your grandmother's feet,
your second toe is longer than your big toe
You look like your aunt Josie
When you smile my heart skips a beat
When I hold you I feel like I am holding
the most precious of my possessions
You make your mommy laugh and cry
and I am so happy about that
And when I kiss you I feel like I am
kissing the angel that has come
into my life to make me a better man...

I love you Nayeli and you are truly
my little bundle of joy...

Grandpa

A poem to describe how I feel about myself inside

SCARED

I am driven,
motivated,
inspired,
often crippled, by fear.
Failure is an option
and success is scripted.
If I fail at this life,
it will be said:
“I always knew he would
turn out like that.”
Should I succeed,
it will be said
“I always knew he could do it.”
so I’m afraid,
the double standards,
double talk,
and hypocrisy that govern us,
stalk me like a shadow in an alley.
How I felt has never mattered,
only what others think.
I carry around the pain
like so many nickels and dimes,
while others poke fun
at my insecurities.
And why not? I’m afraid.
afraid to fail
afraid to succeed,
afraid to be the man,
whoever he is!

To Hold A Miracle

It is rare to be able to hold a miracle in your arms, but I am privileged enough to do that today. I held you in my arms and felt the awesome power of my God at work in my life. You are the miracle in my life and I thank God for you...

You Are A Blessing

Two Years

Two years without you today Junior and the pain is even greater than the day you were taken away from all of us. Things will never be the same without you and all of our lives have been forever changed since your death.

I feel sad that some of those around you had to lose you to finally say that they loved you. I am glad that you and I never had that problem. I know that I dissappointed you in many ways but I always felt a strong love from you and I am grateful for that. You would have grown up to have been 10 times the man I am today and I feel sorry for the world that will never know what you would have given it.

I miss you with all my heart and thinking of you is like taking a breath, I don't even think about it anymore, it just happens...I love you and you will always be the sun that shines down on me from above....

Loving you and missing you,

Dad

Today

So today I became a grandfather! My grandbabygirl came in at 7lbs. 3ozs. and 19 inches long. Her mommmy named her Nayeli Krystal - Nayeli means "I love you" in Native American (Zapotec is the earliest traceable dialect that used this name) and she truly is beautiful.



She has brought new hope to my daughters and I as well as the rest of my family. Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of my son's murder and so that makes this bittersweet for me. It is proof to me however, that God never closes one door without opening another. I miss you Junior, and I know that you would love this baby regardless of what anybody in this world might say or think.



I am grateful to God for bringing this baby into my daughter's life because she has given her a new will to live and a new perspective on life. Nayeli, you are a blessing and I love you with all my heart already!



Lil Izzie, we can do this, regardless of the madness that goes on around us and I will be with you every step of the way.

She Came Into My Life Today

Nayeli Krystal came in at 7 pounds and 3 ounces and 19 inches long at 12:44p.m....healthy and beautiful!

2 More Days

well, 2 more days and you will be here...
i can't believe it and i am sooo looking forward to it
you have given my daughter a new reason to live
and you have made her smile...

and you are not even here yet...
i love you already and i am looking forward
to meeting you, Nayeli

with all my love,

Grandpa

Introduction

So I am starting this blog for my granddaughter that is due to be born in the next six days. I am very excited and really looking forward to meeting this little person that is living inside of my daughter. even though I don't know you, I love you, Nayeli...Grandpa

Words To Describe Who I Am

Father
Grandfather
Gangster
Addict
Lover
Writer
Convict
Son
Brother
Uncle
Cousin
Adulterer
Husband
Friend